


Echo

by EnsorcelledReader



Series: Dirk/Jake Sburb During and Post Game [2]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Bath, Comfort, Depression, Fic, Hurt, Love, Self Loathing, Song - Freeform, self hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-11
Updated: 2015-08-18
Packaged: 2018-04-14 05:53:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,005
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4553205
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EnsorcelledReader/pseuds/EnsorcelledReader
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Takes place between my Dirk/Jake OTP fic and the upcoming sequel. Dirk is struggling with his thoughts and his efforts to like himself more. Song Fic to Crusher-p's Echo</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This might have one more chapter, or I might leave it as a one shot. Not sure yet.

Jake had gone to explore again, just like every morning. The bubble dome can’t be that big. He probably has explored every inch of it by now. But, he loves it and Dirk couldn’t fault him for want to get out. He was never much of a homebody.

Brobot is up and running. All of the bots had made it, Squarewave, Sawtooth, Hal had his own body now, a robotic one. He was living with Roxy, apparently they were somewhat of an item. Good for them, Roxy deserves all the happiness she can get; and Hal, Hal had become a better entity than Dirk could ever be. Why? Why couldn’t Dirk get it together? He told Jake he would work harder, he told himself he would work harder; yet for every step forward it felt like he was forced two steps back. Every time he tried to fight his own negative thoughts or self-loathing; it just fought harder in his mind. Consuming him like a cancer.

 

 _THE CLOCK STOPPED TICKING FOREVER AGO_.

What had it been, 3 weeks? A month? Something like that, since they were forced into this purgatorial section of the universe. Time has become somewhat irrelevant, everything blending together into one frozen moment that lasts an eternity.

 

_HOW LONG HAVE I BEEN UP? IDK : - (_

He’s been having a hard time sleeping lately. Tossing and turning in bed, softly though, better for Jake not to know. He’s probably only had maybe ten hours of sleep during the past week or so. He didn’t feel tired though, just anxious, always anxious. What happens when they are reincorporated into the world? The others will probably acclimate fine, they are better people, better at handling change and better at getting along with others. Dirk was never good with change. He could put up a front well enough, but it always caused a panic in him. He feared the day when everyone around him would get tired of him, tired of his controlling and domineering personality, his habits, himself.

 

 

_I CAN’T GET A GRIP, BUT I CAN’T LET GO, THERE WASN’T ANYTHING TO HOLD ON TO THO._

Brobot is ready to strife. Dirk had programed him to fight in rhythm with the song. It just felt right. Therapeutic almost. Like he can get lost in the rhythm and the words that express his thoughts, without having to actually deal with them yet. “Baby steps.” That’s what Jake always said. Dirk was so fucking pathetic he couldn’t stand it. He couldn’t control his thoughts, he couldn’t relinquish control of his emotions. Did he ever really have control though? He felt like he had always been lost at sea, holding on to something that wasn’t there to create the illusion that he wasn’t drowning, that he could go on forever…he was getting tired of fighting the current. His stamina could only last so long. He was tired of being broken.

 

 

_WHY CAN’T I SEE ??? WHY CAN’T I SEE ???_

He was lost in his own fucking dark abyss and he couldn’t figure out how to pull himself up. Jake said to “be kind to yourself.” What the fuck does that even mean? How can he find a friend when he is surrounded by enemies; the many versions of him in his mind. All those fucking timelines when he lived as an asshole, an abusive motherfucker? They were him and he was always a jerk; and jerk was the nicest he ever was. Why did the universe see fit to make him re-live his fucking thoughts over and over and over again?

Brobot was putting up a good fight, but Dirk was getting more and more angry at his own bat-shit, fucked up mind that only ever caused problems. He started putting that anger into his slashes, each one more powerful than the last.

 

_ALL THE COLORS THAT YOU SEE?? PLEASE CAN I BE, PLEASE I CAN BE COLORFUL AND… free?_

Why did everyone else look so happy? So content with each other? Hopeful for the universe that they would inhabit soon. He wanted that. He wanted to be bright and trusting and ….and vibrant like the others. Jake was a fucking ray of sunshine that brightened every room he entered, Dirk was a fucking ominous cloud that brought everyone down. Why did they tolerate him so much? He would avoid himself if he could. He didn’t understand why they bothered coming over when Jake wasn’t home. He made a point to tell them Jake’s typical schedule, just so they wouldn’t have to suffer talking to him. They still came anyway. Maybe Jake told them to check up on him, great, another way he was an onus on all those around him. The feelings were becoming too much for him to channel with fighting alone. He started singing along with the beat that echoed through Brobot’s speakers.

 

 

_WHAT THE HELL’S GOING ON?! CAN SOMEONE TELL ME PLEASE— WHY I’M SWITCHING FASTER THAN THE CHANNELS ON TV_

Why is he so fucked up? Every day he feels like a different person. What is with his severely dissonant mind that he seems like he changes every few moments?

 

 

_IM black THEN I’M white NO!!! SOMETHING ISN’T RIGHT!!_

He hates himself. He isn’t that bad. He’s smart. He’s an idiot. He’s worthy. He’s worthless. He vulnerable. He’s guarded. He’s warm. He’s cold. He loves all. He’s a misanthrope. He’s introverted. He’s extraverted. He’s sociable. He’s aloof. Everything is happening at once and nothing seems to straighten itself out anymore.

 

_MY ENEMY’S INVISIBLE, I DON’T KNOW HOW TO FIGHT ._

The more he fights the more he loses. How does he fight his own mind? He can master a blade, but he can’t master his own thoughts. Every attempt to like himself is met with a barrage of self-deprecating thoughts that make him question why he ever thought he was a good person. He doesn’t deserve all that he has. He feels like he is tricking everyone. No matter what he does though, they just stick around. Why? He’s so fucking horrible.

 

_THE TREMBLING FEAR IS MORE THAN I CAN TAKE WHEN I’M UP AGAINST THE ECHO IN THE MIRROR ECHO_

And this is why he fights Brobot every day while Jake is gone. If no one is going to fight him or hurt him, at least he can hurt some version of himself. Because he’s too much of a chicken shit to attempt suicide. No, if he was going to kill himself he was going to make damn well sure it worked. He didn’t want anyone saving him, then he would just burden people. Gotta make sure Dirk is okay. Fuck that. He doesn’t want to be anyone’s daily obligation. Way to make someone’s life miserable. If he could kill himself and make it to where no one would ever find his body he would do that. But this bubble is so fucking small and Jake explores too much. Jake is too good a person for Dirk.

 

 

_I’m gonna burn my house down Into an ugly black I’m gonna run away now And never look back_

He should burn his body…the screams would probably echo though; don’t want to disturb anybody. It’s not fair to them. Nobody should have to deal with discovering his corpse or hearing the process of his death. He stabs Brobot with more vigor, if he cuts himself, Jake will worry. At least stabbing Brobot is easier to explain away…Maybe there’s a way to make him fight even harder. Maybe he can program the bot to kill him…then Jake would find his body…god damn it. He can’t do that to Jake; it wouldn’t be fair.

 

 

_I’m gonna burn my house down Into an ugly black I’m gonna run away now And never look back_

He wants to escape. Escape his mind. It doesn’t want to be happy. Every time he tries to think good things about himself, it fights back with a slew of negative thoughts. What makes him think he deserves to think good things about himself? What has he done? Nothing. He’s done nothing. He wants to be happy for Jake, it hurts Jake to see Dirk sad. Dirk wants to give Jake the boyfriend he deserves…he can’t though. He tries so hard, but it feels perpetually out of his reach. He’s too fractured, too broken.

He’s crying…why? He doesn’t deserve to cry, his life is nothing to cry over. He’s worthless because of himself. He needs to take responsibility for his own worthlessness. Make himself better…and now he’s back to where he started under that tent in the rain with Jake. He really hasn’t made any progress has he?

 

 

_I’m gonna burn my house down Into an ugly black I’m gonna run away now And never look back_

Jake is probably only with him because Dirk saved him. Jake feels indebted so he stays with him. That’s not what Dirk wanted for Jake. He wanted that boy to be truly happy. He could never be happy with Dirk. Dirk could never be what Jake deserved.

 

_I’m gonna burn my house down Into an ugly black I’m gonna run away now And never look back_

Fuck, he’s can barely breathe between the exertion of his blade, the choking sobs and the verses that he continues to spit out because it’s all that he can do, all that he can face. He needs to quit fucking crying before his eyes become puffy and Jake starts asking questions. Jake doesn’t need to be encumbered by his bullshit.

 

 

_I’m gonna burn my house down And never look back And never look back And never look back AND NEVER LOOK BACK_

He needs to work harder, or give up entirely. It’s his decision. He’s not a quitter…even when he desperately wants to be. Push himself, push himself harder. He isn’t trying hard enough. More. More. More. More effort. That’s what will fix him. He hopes.

 

 

_WHAT THE HELL’S GOING ON?! CAN SOMEONE  TELL ME PLEASE— WHY I’M SWITCHING FASTER THAN THE CHANNELS ON TV_

The exertion from the strife and the singing and the crying is helping. His chest stings a little. His wound still hasn’t completely healed. Probably re-opened a little. The cut was deep, Rose had to apply stitches. Now it had healed enough that re-opening wasn’t dangerous, just a little painful. He welcomed the pain though. It felt good, it distracted him from the tumultuous quality of his mind, that would not fucking stop. It was dragging him into the depths of his own personal hell.

 

 

_I’M black THEN I’M white NO!!! SOMETHING ISN’T RIGHT!!_

He felt crowded by his mind every day. Giving him just a glimpse of happiness before despair reclaimed him.

 

_MY ENEMY’S INVISIBLE, I DON’T KNOW HOW TO FIGHT_

He’s going in circles again. Thinking the same things in a recurring loop that just won’t stop. He needs to break it, but he doesn’t know how.

 

 

_WHAT THE HELL’S GOING ON?! CAN SOMEONE  TELL ME PLEASE— WHY I’M SWITCHING FASTER THAN THE CHANNELS ON TV_

Maybe he should ask for help. No, too much. The idea made his chest constrict with fear. He didn’t need anyone’s pity. He didn’t want them to think they needed to keep a constant eye on him. That’s just trading one prison for another. At least this prison he chose; the key was somewhere, he just had to find it. Unlike if he let other see into his mind. Then they have the key. No, no one can control him; he’d rather die.

 

 

_I’M black THEN I’M white NO!!! SOMETHING ISN’T RIGHT!! MY ENEMY’S INVISIBLE, I DON’T KNOW HOW TO FIGHT_

FUCK!! His mind won’t stop. He wants to stop thinking, but it won’t! It won’t. His mind just keeps circling and spinning and rehashing the same thoughts.

 

_THE TREMBLING FEAR IS MORE THAN I CAN TAKE WHEN I’M UP AGAINST THE ECHO IN THE MIRROR_

How can he stop? He wants to stop. It’s too much. He can’t stand the look of his likeness staring back at him with those damn robot features.

 

 

_THE TREMBLING FEAR IS MORE THAN I CAN TAKE WHEN I’M UP AGAINST THE ECHO IN THE MIRROR_

With the last of his energy he lets out one more powerful slash. Brobot’s head goes flying. Good, he can at least face and destroy some part of himself. He walks up to the now disembodied head. Smashing it over and over again with his sword. Disgusting, he’s disgusting. Destroy his weaknesses, destroy his effect on others; destroy everything about him. God, he’s pathetic.

“Dirk?”

Dirk turned around, shocked; Jake was there, tears streaming down his face. Shit.


	2. Comfort

Shit! Shit shit shit shit shitshithshitshitshitshit. Jake caught him. Dirk had always idly wandered about the cliffside, nonchalantly looking over the edge; dark thoughts running through his mind. And whenever Jake’s back was turned, Dirk would stand on the very edge, toes hanging over, tempting fate; asking for a good burst of wind to send him over; one small catalyst, that’s all he needed. He did it too often. He became too comfortable playing at the edge. Jake caught him.

Dirk was frozen. He wanted to escape, escape the wounded eyes of the only one he remained alive for. Dave would be fine, he had Karkat. Roxy had Hal and all their friends; she would be okay. Jake was the only tether left; one that he couldn’t bring himself to cut. And now here it is; in front of him; realizing just how close he is; realizing just how far gone he is.

The tether didn’t speak, however, it did wrap itself around Dirk, forcing him away from the precipice that he calls home. Clinging to him tight. “Why?” a whisper in his ear that made him want to run; he couldn’t face it, he couldn’t deal. The grasp was so tight though, he couldn’t run…instead he cried…sobbed…apologizing over and over until the words just became jumbled sounds in his mouth. How much regret he truly felt, his strength leaving him, his knees weak. Where is a hole that he can crawl into? Where is a knife so he can remove the tether and plummet into the abyss. Nothing, he had nothing, but Jake.

They were both crying, but Jake never let go. He picked Dirk up; surprisingly strong for such a small guy. The carry was awkward, but Dirk was too lost in his own dysphoric hell to care. He only had a cursory understanding of the events around him. They were in the bathroom; water was rushing, Jake was saying something to him; but there was a filter that obscured any meaning. His clothes were removed, cold he’s cold. Good, he deserves to be cold. In moments though he was covered in warmth, a soft hand caressing his back. Hands massaging his scalp; he made a noise of approval. It felt nice…he didn’t deserve it. He moved away from the sensation, he hadn’t earned the right to feel good. His only reward of his actions, his being, should be abandonment and then death. No matter what he did he would never be worthy; he is a detriment to all those he has contact with. Like Jake, poor Jake.

As he moved away however a strong arm brought him back and resumed the earlier ministrations. Whisper something in the ear that Dirk just barely caught “You are wonderful. I love you.” It made his heart race. It’s not true, it can’t be true. Jake is just doing this to make him feel better, he can’t possibly mean it. Yes, that’s it, Jake says it because he’s nice and wants to help; he can’t actually mean it. As if reading his thoughts though Jake speaks again; softly, but Dirk has some focus back and can hear better now. “I mean every word, love. I don’t know what ever made your own mind your enemy; but I’m not about to let it twist my words. I love you; I think you’re amazing.” Tears were streaming down Dirk’s face once more. Nice strong hands cradling his scalp, kisses on his cheek and neck. He didn’t deserve this; it’s too nice, too sweet. It has to be fake, this is a dream, this is –

“Shhhhh” Jake cut into his thoughts, his hands still on Dirk’s scalp. Jake was starting to get an idea of when Dirk’s thoughts were going down a bad path. His heart rate increased, and the muscles around the base of his head and neck would tense. It was something Jake could only decipher if he kept his hands on Dirk’s scalp though. Too subtle otherwise. He felt the boy relax a little and went to work massaging his shoulders. The blonde made another sound of approval and let his head droop down. Jake had removed Dirk shades while prepping Dirk for the bath. He had wondered why the blonde and been wearing them more lately. The removal of the item reveal deep, dark circles. Poor thing probably hasn’t had a decent night’s sleep in a while. How often did he use Jake’s away time to punish himself? It was all too clear that that’s what he was doing. The sobbing too, god, that broke his heart. He had never heard Dirk cry so hard in his life. What hell is his mind like that it can cause such suffering? He rinsed the boy’s hair and washed the soap off his body. Pulling the plug on the bathtub he wrapped his dearest in a nice fluffy towel and brought him near the bed; toweling him off and snuggling under the covers. The boy seemed more relax than he had been in a long time. Jake held him close. He would need to talk to Dirk tomorrow; but tonight he needed to comfort him; love him; and remind him that he is more amazing than he could ever realize.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I will probably start the true sequel (this is just a bridge between the two fics.) next month. While I have a fairly clear idea of the emotional path I want Dirk to take; I'm very open to activity suggestions. Is there anything you guys would like to see? Any couple activities or things with friends that you would like to see? All suggestions are welcome!

**Author's Note:**

> Original song found here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cQKGUgOfD8U  
> Awesome cover here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gAKQ13m452o  
> Cool dance here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lx-XOGNe_bU
> 
> To those reading my Davekat fic, a new chapter will be posted later tonight.


End file.
